Another Sunset Limited
I was 11 when I got into my first real fight. 12 when I committed my first real regret. 9 is the earliest most poignant memory I have of doing something truly selfless. Around 10 when I started my first unnatural obsession. I was just a baby when I first went to church. 11 when I was asked to leave Catholic school. 10 when I made my first commitment and went out of my way to earn something for the rest of my life. 13 when I quit and walked out on Catechism. A toddler when I understood my first sense of love. 14 when I first thought lust was love. Maybe 29 when I rediscovered and understood what real love was as an adult. I’m always late to the game. Probably around 22 when I began acting like an asshole on social media, and eventually began literally calling myself “the one.” Thanks for listening.
Something greater than yourself. Something greater than yourself. Something greater than yourself. To be something greater than yourself. For something greater than yourself. Fresh off the boat out of high school and more so after one or two failed years in college, I thought that was a really good idea. Find a group maybe. Join the Peace Corps maybe. Volunteer your time maybe. Travel the world maybe. Help people maybe. Make the world a better place maybe. Find a real sense of purpose maybe. Nothing. Undisciplined flirty sentiments of a lost kid. At the time I didn’t know all you had to do was walk into the sun. All you had to do was be true to yourself. Instead I decided to walk right through hell, clean up, and find myself on the other side. I’m always late to the game. …Something greater than yourself.
Ideally, I’d be taller, and have a more chiseled jaw. Ideally, my face wouldn’t have been an invitation for others to “get theirs.” Ideally, I’d be able to choose with extreme efficiency between a more thoughtful and profound global mind and a more competent and stable linear mind… thus manufacturing those abs and that physique I always talk about. Well, ideally I’d be able to learn a little more without as much suffering. Ideally, it wouldn’t be so hard to be an idealist. 1 + 1 = 2, and by all measures, I should and also would like to have a college degree. Ideally, when you put in the time and you do the work, you should be paid. Ideally, this world wouldn’t be a cesspool where everyone is basically forced into their respective corners left to cling onto the values of their friends, the hopes of their family, and the temporary demands and proceedings of the next week of work and things to do. Ideally, our world would be lived by and governed through the Laws of Eden. Take a look around though. What the hell is ideal about the world today? I guess I should spend more time being grateful that God gave us Jesus. I guess I should spend more time singing His praise, and feeling fortunate and righteous about heaven.
I do say Thanks for the grace that was given to me, in that I am far more an idealist in this incredibly materialistic world. Because if I haven’t learned much, I’ve certainly learned that I was not meant to live in a material world. Thank myself and those all around me I have learned at least a few things. And I thank myself, Myself, and all those around me that life is, indeed, wonderful. Life is incredible. Life is extraordinary. Life is great. It always has been. Like this country has been. No matter what you believe, how you believe, what you think, or how you think, another thing I’ve learned along my journey is that there is meaning that is meant for each of us and all of us. The global mind would expound on the evolution of self, the breath of Love, and the miracle of Life. The linear could do the same perhaps in a more factual and analytical way. The idealist could perhaps at any given time, reach out and touch all of these things, and know they are abundant, they are with him/her, and they are always worth it. The materialist might have to recognize it differently, learn differently, and find reassurance in a different ways, but it’s all the same. …It’s all relevant. The most selfless of us can throw up faith like a shield against anything rotten or unfortunate, climb up and emphatically declare who they are at all times, and live boundlessly at whatever life offers. On the other hand, even the most shameless heartless liars want to be their best self. They can’t truly avoid from time to time being caught up and taken off guard with life’s abundant and real beauty. They just interpret it a different way, and go about living it a different way. Even the worst of the worst though, can be stopped when they find real Love. They might be quicker to dismiss it because of what it is they’ve come “know”, what they’re familiar with, and what might be considered of them, or what they might consider of themselves if they’re able to do that, but in the end, Love actually conquers all. Love always has been and always will remain undefeated. It can’t be escaped. It can’t be foiled. It can’t be left in the dust. No matter what… or who you are.
Have I ever lived? What do I want? Do we really know who we are? Do you? Well enough to call me a brother? Tried enough to call me an enemy? …I will make a fuss. One thing I can tell you about tension and friction: It leads to erosion. Good for some. Bad for others. And in the end, what is spoken, what prevails, is all that matters. So why’s it matter if I’m your brother? That’s not where my value lies… I’m not dependent of you… To whom, are we suppose to ask: WTF is going on!? WTF do you want of me!? When all tears, heartache, and all the fallout comes crumbling down, then who am I suppose to be, what am I suppose to do? When all tears, heartache, and alllll the fallout comes crumbling down, why wouldn’t I look to myself at that point, and what I know? I would. And I would with good reason. And all be it after that I suppose. And what about the space to find a different point of view since in all likelihood it might be necessary? What about strength beyond my own to find a different answer if one is needed? In a world that is mostly governed by a cesspool of ticks, tricks, leeches, and loathing stepped on roaches, isn’t the right thing to do to look out for your own? What if it’s my own brother stabbing me in the back? What if justice doesn’t reign supreme? How could it ever be so that I am suppose to find appreciation in the design, and the beauty and magnificence once again in Life, if I’m to be brought so low? Look at me now, and you wouldn’t believe that I have lived. But my God I have. I have seen life perhaps greater than most people will ever know. I’ve lived it at its best. I’ve seen that, and I know that. What a blessing, what a gift whilst I move on and move forward. That could never be taken away in full. But what if there is no O/one around to stop it? What if… I guess the answer for everybody in life moving forward is to prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and find what a wonderful reality it is to be a human soul somewhere in the middle. So moving forward, do I bask, shed my shirt, and expose my back? …….I don’t fucking think so. I will not. Do I assess, learn, and come back swinging? ……..We’ll see.
(AHHHHHH! My brain… my heart… my lungs… my face, my balls. …My everything.)
Sometimes I find it hard to breathe, screaming up at the sky, “What do You want of me!?” Sometimes I find it hard to think, screaming down around my feet, “What do you want from me!?”
I find it hard to believe one by one they come for, seeking those which are vulnerable, meek, extraordinary, seeking to devour and slaughter. You say you want what you want, and I have the inclination and nervous system to ask why. Why are you doing this to me, why me? And you sit and utter that you want what you want. Again, I ask what do you want. You’re destined to live, and I have to be willing to die… Hmmm? You don’t speak of the pleasure that is received because I am a willing witness and participant. I don’t dare utter a word, because I’m growing up_ evolving amongst my pain, choosing to die at your feet. It’s the most vivid and comprehensive course in masturbation, full of all the ups and downs my vessel has been prepared for. Start you up, you never stop, and I’ve come a lot. The most vivid and wild murder/suicide imaginable without a crime ever committed. So if it is the stars are meant to shine brightest in the dark, where must our world go? How must our world avoid destruction? Who is allowed to hope? So if we are all children of God, then who declared war? After all these years of human evolution, progress made, and technological advancements, is the the only direction death? One by one, until the new plague, the new famine, the new flood? Why must we do this? Is it real? What do you want? Why? Why? Why? …Oh, you want what you want. Is that it? Is that real? How many spirits had to be conjured before you knew the truth? Should I speak more softly in what has been declared as the truth? “Guys,” I whisper, is it really the end times? …It’s truly only arrogant to think God is dead or God has left. It’s safer to not believe in anything; smarter, and more thoughtful as well. You’ve made your choice though… It’s not for me to declare to you or convince you in the existence or the will of a Creator. Not to those of whom who find the thrill and pleasure of death one that must be acted on, experienced, and held in arena. In regards to war, all I’ve been left to say is: I am a human being too, you great and masterful, beautiful and magnificent, dipshits. If your assignment is to slaughter and dismantle all the ones who claim and stake to do something in this world, and all you’re left to say is, God’s gone, and I want what I want… then please excuse me, while I mercifully muster a great deal of pity onto your lonesome little blood pumping organ. Again I wonder, is it real? What do you want? Strength in numbers doesn’t mean anything to God, or to the Kingdom of Heaven. Is it real? What do you want? Every child they say is a child of God. Every soul they say will be judged in the eyes of God. Then how can a person truly ask for forgiveness when they are a sinner, or when their life is a sin? They can’t. The standard of Christ, and Mother Mary, is not one that which we are meant to live by. It’s one we are meant to yield for, and receive from.
Like I said, you won’t believe I’ve lived the best of Life. I could say so and say so over and over again. I’ll never convince you, and I can’t provide any evidence thus far. All my problems, all my hang ups, all my faults and flaws, all my 5150s, and all the rest of my bullshit, and I’ve lived the best of life…. Please, you weren’t born yesterday, right? Life is what you make of it, and what a beautiful choice we have. I say I’ve lived the best of life, and it simply isn’t for me to try and convince you without evidence or artifact. But that is the exact reason why I say it, why I conjure the nerve to tell you. I cannot convince you or prove to you, so I’m only left to tell you. All I have is my word. All you have is mine against yours. And what an annoying sound it must be. Because once again, I have lived the best of life. This is my proof, and my declaration, to you. Somethings will never change. Institutions basically beyond human reckoning, some amount of human suffering as an inexorable reality, tiny little black hearts trying to control the place we temporarily have to call home, evil lurking in the pits… People are who they are, sometimes engrained through and through. They’ve taken whatever pill it is they’ve taken, swallowed the doctrine whole, plowing down their inevitable pursuit to perish in the manner that they want. They see only what it is they see, and they know only what it is they know. And they probably know best… at least they think. …Something to be grateful for I would think. …Anyway, LOVE. It’s something that can’t be beat. Thank God for that.
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