Embodiment

Ever since I was a boy I’d look and stare out at the oceans’s horizon, and just beyond the point where I could see, I’d always think, “That’s where I want to go.” “That’s where I need to be.” A game I’d like to play would be to stand where the waves were crashing and let myself get knocked to the bottom, tumble around, and stretch it to where I’d get scared, then reach the top, take a giant breath, and then I’d always jump and find the horizon. I didn’t know it as a kid, but I was thankful. Then I’d wait for the next one. And sure enough the tide would swell and come crashing down again leaving me yearning for air and waiting to see the horizon once more. Every now and then a wave would come by and remind me, there is a real reason to be afraid. And when that happens and you come up, conquering a legitimate fear, it’s almost like the horizon gains some distance. It’s almost like it stands a little more “out there,” a little more wicked and exotic, a little more blissful and quiet. It doesn’t grow further away from you. It’s not leaving you. It just deepens the sense of how good it is and will be to finally breathe once again.

I’m still a young man but I guess that partly explains why the older you get the more important being able to breathe becomes. A deep unconstrained, lung filling, body nourishing breath grows notice and eases our ever beating heart… such a personal act of solitary confinement that spreads our spirit and ripples it out and into the world; inhaling and knowing our journey is to continue, exhaling and developing as well as ending a specific moment, knowing all that’s been. People say, “Take a deep breath, calm down,” because it works. “Take a deep breath. You’re alive. And the tide will continue to swell.” “Take a deep breath because you’re alive and it helps regulate your heartbeat and releases endorphins from the brain.”

I’ve said this before. I’ll probably say it again. But I regret ever getting on The Facebook and social media to begin with. I guess when literally most everybody is on it, it’s the only choice to make.
A problem I sense more and more over time is people actually love and care about their social media accounts and their hashtags more than say… the ocean. It is a vice in which the impersonal can stay connected and the selfish can share and be sociable. A forum where the immediacy of a trend matters and is more valued than the sustainability of knowledge, altruism, or real communication. It is a pernicious problem that alters good values and encourages shallow thinking. It’s the last place young people should go to explore their creativity or seek acceptance, while it’s the only place some people can go to explore where and how they belong. An assertion of wills and wit frameworked by old high school clique like institutions and a “like” button. Perhaps possibly a way for people to stay young and “keep up.” It can be a place for some people to build their voice or a brand, but it’s also a place for people to share their beliefs and spread their faith. To scream out loud, make sure it is known, they are in fact, truly hashtag blessed. And I’m personally thrilled and appreciative the people at the Facebook company came up with a way to store and save certain memories and share them once again years later, otherwise how would we remember?

Social media, like life, is user dependent. There are undoubtedly outstanding positives. Social media isn’t to be condemned, but maybe we should look and determine if it is too important and prevalent in our lives. Something so quick, instant and immediate is contradictory to every bit of nature. It’s a venue where LIFE is actually processed. Ultimately the parallels to life are disgusting, and the usage of a forum to contain your social atmosphere is just kind of tacky. Have you ever found social media to be draining? What and where are we putting our faith into? Is it completely valued? We need to look into it and make the research be widely available, especially with generations of people who will grow up and develop with it.

The most intense and in a way superficial analogy I can come up with is standing half way in and half way out of an airplane getting ready to jump out. -I’ve seen friends truly panic in this situation.- and just as well. You wouldn’t make the jump if you didn’t have the faith you will land successfully. Yet, the ground is so far away you don’t exactly ‘know’ while you’re up there. You build yourself up and whenever it is you catch that moment of faith… You jump. And that’s life sometimes_ most of the time; some faith… And jump. Everybody has their reasonings why they do things, and what makes them uncomfortable, and you can prepare and prepare and prepare in order to call yourself “ready” whenever faith is sprung onto you, and sometimes you should not jump, but the only way to assure the wheel of faith keeps moving forward is… To jump. And the great and beautiful part about life, especially with something as intense and interesting as skydiving, is that no two jumps will ever be the same. If you do ever get the chance to go skydiving, just remember to take a deep breath; trust your canopy and enjoy yourself.

And that moment where you do take a deep breath, collect yourself to the best of your ability, and jump, cannot be done by anyone else.

I was never more lonely in my life than I was in 2016, and I will never be again. It was a murky unpleasant lonely for which I am not entirely grateful for. Whereas a few of the most poignant lovely wonderful profound moments of my life were spent in solitude. Lonely can run pretty sad, but there is never anything wrong with being alone. One of those reasons is because it is when you are completely and utterly on your own is when your character can actually be tested and when you learn how pure your soul really is, if it is one built on and rooted in love. Weirdly enough being on your own develops strength and teaches you to be more human. Whilst we may live to see and encapsulate as much as possible almost like a roll of film that is bound to run out, and hopefully it’s the best bestest ever and hopefully we get a lot of it (or at least most of it), a heart rests easy on its own as long as it stays true to itself, in love and nature. Even those who have an inclined desire that leads them to live outwardly as much as hashtag possible, the eternal demands of life are inexorable and unavoidable. Life is to be lived outwardly, but perhaps even more so internally. And while I have disagreements about my time in 2016 and even when I slipped and fell and perhaps even broke, and occasionally became angry with rightful reason and purpose; I rest easy, and I’m grateful for that. Life is to be lived. Life is to be enjoyed. And the tide will continue to swell and the waves will continue to crash while I rest.

Life is hard. Maybe less understand that it seems these days. Some people truly do appear to be hashtag blessed living the hashtag good life on a yacht; hashtag yacht life. Maybe they should run for president; figure things out for everyone. We live in a bizarre time where I believe inclusivity is definitely rising, yet everybody wants to make everything more difficult on everybody. I believe it is almost the responsibility and duty of a human life to allow one’s soul to drift and wonder a chaotic excursion outside of one’s control seeking what is greater than one’s self. I also believe I love ice cream. I love me a good mint chip. At some point, somewhere, there has to be a fucking balance. And leadership needs to grab hold and coax, guide, lead people to a place that we want to have faith in, where hope is abundant because it is backed by that faith, and vice versa.

I never found myself as much of a real leader than a dynamic contributor. Leadership is lead by action… Not image, not perception, not by deceit or whispering corners, not by your clothes or your brand, facebook and Instagram posts, or by the jackasses chirping and cheering at the end of the bench. Leadership is the cause of every facet in life. It is meaningful in every way. If absent, the void will be filled. And more often than not that burden of responsibility falls onto someone not meant to have it. Also leadership matters in every way. Leadership is finding a way when all chips are down and bodies, energies are out and you are left on your own, finding a way and fighting for a way to advance and progress. It is not being solely reliant upon your friends, other luxuries, etc. Leadership is going out of your way to figure it out for everyone, what is wanted and what could be. It is not just basing everything around your agenda and what you think is and/or should be. It is going every extra mile to try and make it work, to continue to fight, for everyone, and all involved. It is not singling out the “problems” or your “enemies” and forcing them in whatever way you can to submit, etc. Leadership is rising above all and everything under extreme sets of circumstances and continuing and continuing and continuing to resist falling short of yourself, overcoming those obstacles and consistently providing better. Leadership is building moment after moment with as much love and noble intention as possible, thus continuously instilling and replenishing cycles of hope and faith. It is never taking away from that.

The ocean isn’t loved because of the waves and its violent unpredictable nature and omnipotence. It’s loved because can complete pieces of our soul – wash and mend them too if necessary. I love it because of its beyond inhuman quality. No matter how much we rip and burn, tear and claw in our own lives, it’s always there, being. And hopefully it always will be, as it is now, or better. The piece I scrapped to focus on this was an incredibly snide sarcastic piece about “winning” in unbelievably cheap disgusting ways, and using Frank Underwood as example why it didn’t matter, as long as at the end of the day you win. Written for the facebook by the facebook. “History belongs to the victors” and that’s the truth; but all history matters, because ALL life matters. Human nature may be as it is, and we all like to win and be on the winning team, but in life beyond basic sport it’s not even a preference. It’s perception. George Washington had slaves, and was probably a jerk. Honestly, Forget your hashtag… what do you even want? We allow ourselves a certain amount of leeway with what we know to be true, in order to keep faith in what we believe in. George Washington along with every single lineman to ever strap on a pair of cleats undoubtedly are stocked with courage… does that mean none of them were or couldn’t be homosexual? Logic would say otherwise. I’ve never been to a gay bar before, but logic would say there’s a lot of big metrosexual jock like dudes there. The reason why there has never been a queer offensive lineman is because we as a society still haven’t found them as men who are homosexual rather than homosexuals who do homosexual things. Pretty plain and simple. Pretty ignorant and stupid. With people, history, religion, relationships, anything we believe in we will allow ourselves a certain amount of space between what’s reality, and what we want to believe in order to maintain faith in the overall structure of our life. Faith is not sincere unconditionally. We have to feed it and nourish it with hope and belief. And at least hope is a fickle fleeting bitch. Put faith in ideas and parts of life greater than your own self that are good and wonderful and follow nothing but your own soul, and you cannot go wrong, whether you find yourself in an intense uncertain relationship you can’t shake completely on your own grasping and fighting for air, or anything at all. Avoid the drainage of cheap and superficial outlets like social media. Life isn’t easy. Faith isn’t an infinite commodity. You’re never in complete control, and you shouldn’t be. No one has the answers except for you. But from the bottom of my heart what is great cannot be killed, and what is that good can never die. Anything and everything is always possible. You have to believe in yourself.

click HERE for more.

To buy my collection of essays and other short stories, click HERE.